P.M.S or depression?

UPDATE: jane told me it's the lunar eclipse that made me panic this night.

i feel rotton. i hate everyone. no, that's not true. i just feel rotton.

the feeling is compounded by my frustration with this blog. i started it, not thinking anyone would read it. told a few friends cause i thought it was funny. so did they. then, apparently, if you are looking for a place to eat in soho through google, my link pops up on page 2 or 3. so now i have a smattering of strangers who visit. none of that bothers me.

there are just a few people who i know read this that inhibit me. i mean, the fact that they read it forces me to censor what i say.

it was all good and well talking about cocks and dicks (i mean pricks, i mean assholes, i mean...you know...a person, not a genital), when i thought my parents weren't reading it. but i know they do. so how am i supposed to talk about wanting to walk into the fire department and be gang banged by the entire brigade to fuck the pain away and feel the saccharine version of love. you know they just did a study how saccharine tricks your body into thinking it is ingesting sugar, then when it eventually realizes it didn't get the real sugar it thought it did, it sends craving signals for even more and more sugar. this makes you fat. so basically if i fuck for fake love i'll get fat. or something.

i can't talk frankly about the boy, because he reads it. and his friends read it.

and i can't talk about my mental state because i run the risk of never having anyone want to procreate with me. which isn't fair. it's genetic predisposition. i am doing the best i can. in any case, babies should come from so much love for someone that it explodes into a child.

my point is....


see? now i have to say this: attention boy, i do not really want, nor would i ever, be gang banged by firemen. or any men. not that you care. or do you? i never know. (ugh. that confession makes it SO much less funny).

UPDATE: i can get gang banged by whomever i choose, because what the boy thinks is of no matter to me anymore.

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