20070925

long-y but good-y

last week i get an email from a "fan." right, as if anyone besides me, shorts, jane, and anonymous ever reads this.
(food review at the end of post)

the email is long, so i am editing it:

..........................................................................................
From: Patti xxxxxx
To: soholunch@gmail.com
Date: Sep 20, 2007 6:39 PM
Subject: A Proposal. Not Marriage. at least not yet.


Okay, so let's see what you think of this idea....

I just found your blog from my very good friend.

I really want to surprise him cuz I know he's a regular, and i
thought, hmmm...what if I get to have lunch with soholunch-girl and
then i can suddenly appear within one of your entries???

yes, it's self-serving on my part, except for a few things:

1. Obviously, I would buy you lunch, your choice of place. (I suppose
you could charge a fee but that would kind of ruin the fun in a way,
at least for me).

2. You already said you're nuts so surely you wouldn't think I am
worse-nuts for proposing this.

3. I'm actually not really a weirdo-freaky-scary person.

4. So, I wish you would want to do it tomorrow cuz it would be so
cool for me to turn this around quickly but obviously that's pretty
short notice. Also, tomorrow is great for me cuz my window-washer is
coming and so is the too-talkative handyman and I'm sure I'll want an
excuse to escape around lunch time.

Well, that's this story. Let me know or don't!
Thanks,
Patti (oh, in case you want to, FYI...I am locate dat xxxxxxx
and xx St.)
..................................................................................................

this was my resonse:

..................................................................................................
From: Hungry Girl
To: Patti xxxxxxxxx
Date: Sep 20, 2007 9:09 PM
Subject: Re: A Proposal. Not Marriage. at least not yet.


ok freak.

is patty pink your real name? i can't decide if that is awesome or
totally fucked up.

i'm down. but i can't do it tomorrow, i am leaving town tonight. in 2
hours actually.

who is the dude?

and you don't have to pay me. but if you do anything weird i will
totally call the cops and press charges. i also know a bunch of goons
who will break your kneecaps--which i think is better because then
everytime you sit down at a table to eat you will feel the pain of
fucking me over.
.................................................................................................

well, i went to lunch with her. she was buying, so whatev's. we met at five points on great jones street.

i walk in and this woman on a scooter/wheelchair with a half empty martini is waving me over. great. i told her i would break her knee caps. this is unbelievable. what are the fucking odds?

12 years ago she fell on the subway tracks and was run over by 3 cars of the 1,9 train before the conductor could stop. this was god punishing me for being a bitch, i thought.

that didn't stop me from asking her if she jumped. is that bad? (she didn't)



"sangria? yes please. anything to make this easier (don't look at the wheelchair. don't look at the wheelchair)."

shit man, she downed that martini and immediately ordered a sangria for herself. oh, boy.



the food was amazing. i had fish tacos. she had grouper? we split a green bean salad. (THIS PART OF THE POST WAS REDACTED BY ME, THE AUTHOR, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST TOO CRASS. FUNNY, BUT TOO CRASS).



(i look like a chipmunk, patty. you are a horrible photographer)

after my cocktail, i felt a little more relaxed. we chatted and chatted. she showed me an article that was published on her. on her stalking. no joke. she is some kind of sick stalking artist. but apparently she has done it to marc jacobs, peter beard, and madonna. so that means that i am, in fact, as cool as those people. awesome.

i scarfed down a whole peach cobbler, and then excused myself to the restroom. i'm sure she thought i was bulemic, but i'm not. i just had to pee.

this woman was great. on the way out, i told her to act like she crashed into the car that already had a dent in it. she didn't get it, though, and backed up WITHIN ONE INCH of the edge of the sidewalk. just what i needed, her splayed out on the street.




patty. you are the bomb. and i was never phased by you or your scary wheelchair. xo!

UPDATE: i really didn't make it clear how good the food is here. my fish tacos were unbelievable. the butter had crack in it because it was somehow the best butter in the whole world. the bean salad was perfectly dressed and they were crunchy and perfect. the peach cobbler had a biscuit in it--the ice cream scoop could have been a little bigger. and the sangria is PERFECT! they even have rose sangria. unreal.

6 comments:

Faux Realist said...

Nice. You now have a stalker.

Anonymous said...

HG: You could NOT NEVER 'look like a chipmunk'.
and yes, I am a very bad photographer.Sorry! Thanks for lunch- you are a very good skalkee! PP

noTORious said...

the best story i have heard in a long time... i love you.

hungry girl said...

notorious...you do? oh thank god. because i was starting to wonder if my poodle was the only living thing that did.

you are living, aren't you?

Keith Gonzales said...

who?

Anonymous said...

classic - best blog yet!! want to piss in my pants.