polar bears are dying

cause they can't find food cause like the ice is metling and stuff. i'm torn between wanting to wear tanks tops sooner and crying over these poor dead polar bear cubs.

random. i know.

i'm having issues you guys. and guys. and everything. i think i need that special sunlight lamp that helps treat seasonal affective disorder. or something.

actually, i am going to st. maarten tomorrow with sister and jane. so i guess that will do.

but wait!

NO! it's self esteem. i think. i am so beaten down in this town. i was so popular, cute, confident in texas, and also in my first year here. it was my attitude. but i dated a guy who told me to tone down the make-up and stop acting so "texas." so i thought he was older and smarter and more sophisticated and must be right. i think i lost a lot of myself those few years. then we broke up, then he started dating daryl hannah. that was humiliating. the following year i was single, i started to get my mojo back. my spice. i was getting wild again, havin fun. then i met the last ex-husband/ex-boyfriend/empty sexual partner. fun at first. turned nasty. then beaten down. i was scared to drink too much because i think it embarrassed him. he was more of a pot head, not a drinker. when he drinks he pukes. but that is such a huge part of who i am and how i grew up. i don't want to think twice before ordering a shot of tequila.


i miss myself. i like who i was. i like being obnoxious. i like being snappy. i like getting drunk with my friends laughing about the adventures we had. i like my big boobs. i hate brunch. i like flirting with guys. i like putting ice cubes in my white wine. i like kicking over trash cans. i like all baby animals. i don't like mid-century modern furniture. i like talking about bowel movements, especially when they burn from spicy food. i like hugging my friends, i miss my hugging friends. i like sitting on laps. anyone's lap. i miss thinking i am the most fabulous person. i like that i am on all sorts of medication. i like admitting that i have had 3 nose jobs and as many abortions. i like that i cry at the drop of a hat. i like that i have impeccable table manners and i like that people who don't make me physically ill. i like taking my clothes off in public to get a good laugh. i'm tired of trying to act my age, or be a certain way professionally. i want to be me again, like i was every year of my life before i turned 24. CANDICE! COME BACK!! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!!

old candice:

somebody call the whambulence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

good times.