ikea

i know it's not soho, it's not even manhattan. but i had to go to elizabeth, new jersey to pick out a cheap kitchen.

yes, cheap. it may be streamlined and look good from 20 feet away, but it doesn't change the fact that it is made of particle board and plastic and, therefor, cheap. danish design from ikea ain't no hans wegner. wait, ikea is swedish not danish. eh, whatever. they are both very far away and cold countries.

we were working up an appetite getting lost on the turnpike. we text googled a wendy's but had absolutely no idea where the fuck any of those addresses were cause we don't live in jersey. i don't even know where streets like vestry and reade are in manhattan.

by the time of arrival we were so hungry we thought the restaurant sounded amazing. and we didn't even need a reservation!

let's be clear. this is not a restaurant. it is a high school cafeteria. the student population includes young couples from suburbia who want to furnish their new two bedroom with granite countertop kitchen in "syle", lots of immigrants, lots of screaming kids, and lots of people eating lots--nay, too many meatballs.



soraya had 10 meatballs with gravy and lindenberry schmutz. and a roll. and some apple cake with jiz on it that she didn't even touch.

i had mac and cheese, steamed vegetables, a roll, ranch dressing, bbq sauce, and a pepsi. all mixed together.

the best part was our table. we sat in the VIP section. a full wall of windows overlooking the runways of newark airport. the sky was blue, the fake flower yellow, and (insert some other cute line here).



it was enough sustenance to get us through the kitchen planning, but i nearly lost it trying to find the exit to that labarynth. that horrible, horrible partical board filled labaryth. i ended up accosting an employee in a yellow shirt demanding he "show me the fastest way out of this place!" then i muttered "for fucks sake" but a man holding his little daughter heard and shot me a dirty look.