SOHO LUNCH

2010-10-17T21:41:00.001-04:00

I'm back but recently discovered I have an intolerance to gluten, which should make things interesting.

Posting soon.

i'm a lame person

2009-08-16T13:54:00.003-04:00

i have a twitter account

@soholunchblog

the reason is so i can quickly bitch about things on the go. cause there are SO many times i want to do it.

confused

2009-08-16T13:31:00.002-04:00

i've confused myself about this blog. it was about bitching about places to eat. then bitching about my life. then just a mess of pics. but fuck anyone who reads it because for 3+years it's a diary of my life. and one day when i wonder how the fuck i wasted all my good years i can look back and remind myself it was because i drowned myself in a sea of booze, misery, and ex-boyfriends (wait. take away the plural. there really isn't any plural.)

fml

jackson diner

2009-08-16T13:09:00.007-04:00

it's in jackson heights and it's not a diner. cause it's in little india, which i'm sure isn't the official name but whatever. it's like india but really little so there.

soraya is half indian via guyana which still means that her mom cooks curry and owns a sari. (spelling?)

we got to JH and were starving so we ate at jackson diner. had the $9.95 buffet. it was pretty good. but then again how can anything spicy, salty, and stinky NOT be good?

i ordered fresh iced tea. ya, fresh from a canister of powdered ice tea mix. it was definitely someplace to try.it's nice to get out of manhattan (and brooklyn).

it was good. the rest of the day was super fun. shopping for outfits for soraya's indian themed 30th bday party. which was the last time i've had alcohol. i;m serious. at the 2 week mark.

oh no wait. scratch that. it was after my friends wedding in mexico in a town that is apparently the birth place of micheladas that marked the end.

AAAAAND...scene.

found on craigslist

2009-07-13T22:14:00.002-04:00

i was looking for a concho belt on houston's craiglist. i found some jewelry for trade. trade for a gun.

I have a Massive amount of Authentic, Vintage, Native American (mostly Navajo,but some zuni pieces) Sterling Silver and Turquoise, Mother of Pearl, Red Coral, Onyx, and a mixture of two or more of these materials for trade. Some of the pieces are "signed" by the artisian, some are not. I have been a jewelry and antique dealer for years, and can gaurantee the authenticity of these pieces, any doubt, please see our feedback on eBay as powersellers under the seller name motherscollectables... we have sold many, many items.
ANYWAY, what I am looking for is a NICE .45 or Comparable. What you will recieve is an assortment and massive amout LBS and LBS of very beautiful, sale-able or wearable (no junk - nothing broke) Vintage Native American Jewelry.
Interested, contact me by e-mail at (insert-a-scary-aggressive-war-vet-handle)@yahoo.com or by cell phone at 713-xxx-xxxx or 832-xxx-xxxx.... ask for Jeff

Location: NW Houston
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

AWESOME.

i'm pretty sure that's illegal.

DiCosmo inspired me

2009-07-12T22:46:00.009-04:00

Well, actually, it was John

i wish you could see john's eyes in this picture. crystal blue like the sky was that day. the first real rockaway beach day for me this summer.

john was discovered in elizabeth, NJ by david selig. the dude who did rice in NYC and, of course, the infamous rockaway taco in queens.

i grilled john about his ices. this is what he gave up. he makes them fresh in the morning using fresh fruit and fruit juices. i believe him. the small pink grapefruit italian ice i got (the first of 3 i ate) was only a buck twenty five and SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD YOU COULD PISS YOURSELF. i had 2 pink grapfruit and 1 raspberry. in fact, sorry david and andrew hotty pantz, i didn't even order any tacos cause the ice was so good.

of course his hotness oozing out of his pores and cool kicks and beastie boys playing on his boom box only enhanced the whole fucking delicious experience. john. i love you.

dicosmos website

oh, but all you chubby ho's in line at the taco stand who think you're hot 'cause your approaching 40 but still have the strength to carry an 8+' board into the frigid water with a full wetsuit and booties on, don't front. being a bitch isn't attractive. plus, you have no idea if i can hang ten or not...so BACK OFF. (i'm still hotter than you--just look at me suck on that spoon).

if you're ever in kemah...

2009-06-15T18:38:00.002-04:00

there's a local sub shop called neptune. i wish i had taken pictures, but their subs are so fucking good. i highly recommend their tuna (they hardly us any mayo) with cheese and jalepenos. get a large iced tea or dr. pepper in their styrophome cups.

check out their website

2009-06-11T20:01:00.003-04:00

bored.

someone ask me a question. it'll be like truth or dare. except you can't really dare me. just ask me and i have to answer.

Mark said...
if you were a fruit or vegetable, which one would you be and why?

a fruit. i mean, if i wanted someone to say, candice is a fruit vs. candice is a v...? come on. god forbid.

----------

Anonymous said...
How many guys have you slept with?
Have you ever been with a girl?

dare.

-----------
Anonymous said...
do you keep the change or give it back?

depends on how nice the cashier is. but always give back pennies.

-----------

Anonymous said...
When you order a steak, which cut do you prefer and at what temperature?

t-bone. medium. like to chew the fat.
-------------

Okay, HungryGirl...

1. Describe your favorite breakfest.
2. What are you reading now (or what have you read most recently)?
3. Have you ever left the apartment/house in your pajamas?

Sincerely,
A Faithful Reader.

2 eggs over easy, whole wheat toast with butter, fried tomatoes really mushy. salt and pepper. coffee with half and half and sugar.
"the likeness" a murder mystery
i've left the apartment in just my north face once. and some clogs. it was snowing.
------------

Anonymous said...
Fake, fraud or genuine?

if you're referring to me, i would say genuine with a little sugar on top depending on the situation.

my new yogurt spot

2009-06-09T22:10:00.005-04:00

let's be honest, frozen yogurt isn't good for you. so at least it should be fun and taste good.

yougurtland is my new place. it's on bleecker btwn 6th and 7th ave. i usually scoff at the pimply midwestern teenage tourists in their uggs and miniskirts downing this shit. but today i tried it.

and i went back again after dinner.

probably the best fit for a control freak, this place. you pour your own flavor, on your own, however much you like. then you put your own toppings on, however much you like. no more looking at the server's spoon full of sprinkles willing her to pour the rest of the scoop out--even though she never does. she just puts those last 15 sprinkles back in the bucket. for what? i don't know.

listen, they didn't decorate the place from the design within reach catalogue. but still.

pretty good for cheapskates, too. i got everything i wanted (and nothing more) for $1.96. go.

strawberry yogurt with fresh bananas and fruity pebbles.

truce

2009-06-03T19:46:00.001-04:00

lunch soon, my dear.

nevermind

2009-06-02T01:29:00.001-04:00

its back. cause we all need to be vulnerable to remind us we are alive.

2009-06-01T18:24:00.001-04:00

I had to remove my video bc my mother would call me a pathetic drunk loser. And as funny as I think I am, it wears on me. Hearing that.

fried hamburger

2009-05-31T01:42:00.003-04:00

in memphis, besides not eating one piece of fresh fruit or vegetabe for 4 days, i decided it'd be a good idea to eat a fried hamburger. fried, you say? yup. a dyers famous fried hamburger.

basically the same vat of grease has been frying patties for nearly 100 years. no joke. they make a patty and drop it in a deep fryer. some people, people who like to piss out their ass for a few more days than i did, dip the buns in the grease too.

the waitress, who wore an ipod (didn't take her ear buds out) and walked on her tippy toes, told me to go for the double double. that's doube meat and doube cheese. cause the patties are thin. so i did that. and had jaapenos, too. but when she asked if i wanted a combo with fries, i was like--what the hell do i look like? some sort of pig? she gave them to me anyway "on the house." gee thanks. this house had floors so caked in grease that your feet slid when you walked.

that burger was INSANE. so good. but not as insane as the sick i felt for the next 6-8 hours. i mean, al my veins hurt. i don't think it was worth it. just the feeling negated all the deliciousness.

oh, and by the way, i wanted to make it a chili burger...but they were out of chili. blessing? who knows.

dyer's

i finally finished diarreah on thursday. at least my tummy is completely flat now. empty and flat.

i mean, what?

2009-05-30T02:34:00.005-04:00

here is me singing to whitney houston's "all at once" but the audio didn't work. i think. i'm sure.

whatever. if anything it can remind you how silly i am. cause i am.

caliente, you fuck

2009-05-15T23:48:00.004-04:00

so, i went for happy hours (-sssss).

rob's mad cause i'm i bitch when i think guys like me. but they should know that's my M.O. to suss out the weaklings.

got peckish. came home alone (cause rob's mad. but prolly better cause my house is a stye) and as i passed the big margarita glass in the sky--otherwise known as caliente cab company--i realized all i wanted was salty cheesy crispy cheesy pickled jalapeno goodness. so i stopped. i ordered. i went to the bathroom.

they have black toilets. which is really bad for puke. which the girl in front of me did. in the toilet i wanted to pee in. i did NOT pee. but i took a pic.

i came out looking at my camera on my phone and the jersey girl who walked in saw me looking at the pics. i said, "oh, sorry. i was just trying to take a cute pic for my boyfriend. but i can't get it right." she said she'd help and no, not to worry, she does it all the time and not to be shy... breath in...suck in...arch back...lift up the shirt. oh, well, it's cute but you're laughing, do you want to try again? HHAHAHAHAH!

done
and
done

quickie

2009-05-15T23:44:00.001-04:00

listen, blogging is supposed to be fun.

i don't blog when i feel like it's work to do so.

i had a book agent tell me she was certain she could find me a deal. i said GREAT!

she said, write a couple pages and i'll shop it around.

that's work. no. not fun.

that's all!!

hi

2009-05-08T21:00:00.005-04:00

i just wrote a really long post about artists and how i hate them all because every single one i've had a relationship with on any level--friends, lovers, etc...- is a liar. legitimate liar. like, watch me...cause right now....here it comes...LIE. "i don't know whose underwear those are" "my girlfriend has no idea i say that about her, so if you ever meet her..." "my dick is 8" long" "TRUST ME."

just a caveat.

better off with bankers. at least they tell you the truth when they come home from a strip club smelling like strawberries and cream.

and that was the edited down post.

la la la laaaahhh!

finally!

2009-05-01T00:52:00.003-04:00

i have a new crush. i mean, really. really?

yes. i do.

you'll see.

i re-pierced my 2nd and 3rd hole on my left ear. i had pierced them before in college with my friend courtney. both at the same time at claire's boutique in austin. needless to say i took the earrings out after a few weeks cause i hated them.

but rather than destruct any more real estate on my body, i decided to just repierce them. now i know what you skanky bitches are saying. 'just stick the earring in cause the holes don't close'. WRONG. they were closed shut. and the last one was through cartilage. yep right through it. so hurt just as bad as the fucking ring at the top of the ear.

anyscrew, i did this on tuesday and today i tried to change out the jewelry cause i didn't like the order of my studs. ignoring the fact that i had been bleeding from the trauma for two days. it just didn't stop bleeding. well, now i cant get them back in and i had to put old big diamonds in there cause those were the only stud earrings i had available with long posts. i am a retard.

waaaahhh! i crave!

2009-04-29T23:56:00.002-04:00

whataburger

"More than half a century later, with Harmon’s son, Tom, at the company helm, Whataburger still remains family-owned and operated. Employees at Whataburger are even referred to as Family Members and it is the privilege and promise of each and every one to uphold the tradition that Harmon began. So now with more than 700 Whataburger restaurants across ten states, road-trippers and hometown folks alike continue gathering under the big orange and white roofs for the fresh made to order burgers and friendly service."

" No problem, your Whataburger will be made just like you like it 24 hours a day 7 days a week."

chinese food

2009-04-29T23:49:00.003-04:00

i'll find out the name of this place, but it's somewhere in midtown. when you go to a chinese restaurant, and one line (buffet) is filled with fat americans, and the other line is filled with thin chinese people...you see where i'm going with this.

the buffet had all your favorites, fried meat with brown sauce. all sorts of fried meat. fried rice. egg rolls. etc...

the special order line...it was a little hectic and, had i not been totally intimidated, i would have taken a little time to see what the chinese were ordering. instead i panicked and ordered steamed veggie dumplings and hot and sour soup.

both sucked. but i did end up noticing that the popular dish with those in the know is some noodle soup.

too bad. i'll never go back.

on another note. i haven't been laid since january.

roi cody candice fin

2009-04-23T00:26:00.003-04:00

les enfants terribles

2009-04-20T22:33:00.004-04:00

walk through the stench and get to canal and ludlow. this place has such good food and such hot guys. it's really not smart of me to go with my guy friend. the hot guys don't approach me. i mean...i'm sure that's why.

whatever you do don't get sancerre. it's $13 fucking dollars a glass and i only found that out after i had 5. but i got a nice buzz (wasted) and ate an entire leg of lamb. AND lamb and goat cheese filo dough things. those were out of le world.

honestly. $13 for a glass of anything without a coupon for a free one floating in it is le crazy. call me le cheap.

loves the place though. will take mom and her friend there this week.

allergies!

2009-04-17T16:47:00.002-04:00

a pretty day for lunch

2009-04-17T16:40:00.002-04:00

actually, this was the pretty day last week or so. this was after soraya and i waited in line for the damien hirst skateboards at supreme. it was fun bonding with the other non-skaters in line. made me feel like less of a schmuck for being 31 and unable to skate yet still giving up 45 minutes of my life cued up.

cafe havana. it was good. their cafe con leches are the total bomb. the bartender was super cute too. whenever a cute guy has a tattoo i ask if i can touch it. they really like that.

arriba!

2009-04-16T00:27:00.004-04:00

viva tejas! viva mi amigos! viva calor! viva la lluvia! viva margaritas! viva espacio! viva dr. pepper! viva whataburger! viva 610 y 59! viva concreto! viva mexicanas!

texas, our texas, oh hail the mighty state.
texas, our texas, so wonderful so great...

texas fight, texas fight, yay texas fight.
texas fight, texas fight, yay texas fight.

texas fight, texas fight, for its texas that we love best...

the eyes of texas are upon you

the stars at night, are big and bright.

all my exes live in texas
texas is a place i dearly love to be
but all my exes live in texas
therefor i reside in tennessee.

my long hair just can't cover up my redneck

sweet potato pie and i shut my mouth

luckenbach texas, ain't nobody feelin no pain

screw you, we're from texas baby, so screw you

amarillo by morning.

i'm here, i'm here. jeez

2009-04-15T11:48:00.003-04:00

i have a ton of pictures. but here is yesterday.

i really really like rhong-tiam thai food. i had basil chicken (special ordered ground) lunch special $7. so good and so fast and clean.

there's on on the east side and one on the sort of west side.

hmmmm

2009-03-30T22:57:00.002-04:00

sometimes i wonder if the blind guy across the hall from me can detect my pot smoking faster than any of the other neighbors.

2009-03-22T22:57:00.003-04:00

watched whatever the show is that comes on before "the unit", and the killer ended up being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. they were going through the symptoms...sounded familiar. so i wiki'd it etc...

once my psych said that i have an unhealthy attraction to narcissists and if i didn't crack it i would be unhappy my whole life.

no WONDER i was so frustrated for the past 8 years. i thought i was actually dating humans, not monsters. duh.

Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

It is essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.

why a nail salon back rub is like bad sex

2009-03-19T18:56:00.003-04:00

you haven't had it in a while, so you're totally ready to enjoy it
starts out ok, seems alright.
some rubbing, squeezing
now you're ready to have the sweet spots worked
ugh, they almost had it
getting closer, ugh they missed it!
they're like right there and they keep passing it.
now you're getting frustrated.
it's the same shit over and over again.
the excitement is gone and you just want it to end.
you think about stopping it and walking away
but you feel bad, and don't want to hurt their feelings, so you wait it out and let them finish.
but now they're sensing your losing interest and they want to try harder
so they slap you, pull your hair, pinch you, and push real hard all over the place.
none of this feels good.
in fact, you even turn your head and grimace in pain.
then it ends.
and you walk away unsatisfied. a little sore. and smelling like bad lotion.

lunch

2009-03-16T14:56:00.003-04:00

no lunch! aagh!

but my friend did post these fuckers and i hate her for it. here is me. 13 years ago.

this was my 22nd birthday party. it was a gangster party. in retrospect, very insensitive. we had vodka watermelon, popeyes, i emptied my fridge out and filled it completely OE 40oz's, even had the paper bags, put tv on BET and hid remote and cable box, black jesus pictures on the wall, emptied freezer and put MD 20/20's in there (about 30 of them), it was crazy. we got busted for noise by two cops. one white and the other one was not hispanic. mortified.

we took halloween pretty seriously. we rented southern bell costumes. the place also had confederate soldier costumes to go with them. ahh, texas. we ran out of ribbon for chokers, so i stole the sash to my suite mate's silk robe (that she wore all the time) and cut it up for us. oops. that night was fun. p.s. the roommate with the cut up robe was hit by her own car. ya, you do the math.

this is another halloween. jesus. fat, short hair, and i have a tongue ring inside my mouth. this is what blacking out 3 nights a week will do to you're sense of style.

sweet

2009-03-15T23:35:00.000-04:00

bullet proof clothing. cause, ya know, just in case.

i love

2009-03-15T04:45:00.003-04:00

curve 8900

2009-03-13T15:14:00.002-04:00

fuck the bold. this is the shit.

phone by blackberry. t-shirt by pegleg.

2009-03-13T15:04:00.003-04:00

this is what i had for lunch
i know you guys miss my good postings a bunch
but i been pretty out of it
feel like my life's turning to shit
just kidding! i'm fine
but it's hard rhyming line by line.
going to texas in two weeks
add some fat to my cheeks.
both sets of cheeks i refer to
doesn't matter which ones you prefer to-
squeeze when we're all alone
and by alone i mean on the phone
cause my beds been bare of live bodies
that's right, ain't got no hotties
the doc changed my medication
so it might just be my salvation
and i'll get back on that horse
cause lovin is the source
of all the light in my life
just wanna be someones wife.

oaaahhh! what, what!

mark, ryan

2009-03-11T15:09:00.004-04:00

show yourselves.

i'm not eating cause i'm all depressed. i even took up smoking again. now i smell like my drama teacher. coffee and cigs.

however, last night my friend and i did the waffle and ice cream bit at the diner. then i went to barf it up. cause ice cream comes up easy. just kidding.

then i started itching my eyes at the table and i couldn't stop. they swelled up huge and they're still big today. it's not pink eye. i probably touched someone who has a dirty pussy. cat.

2009-03-09T20:12:00.001-04:00

i need a kiss. girls like me can't live without kisses.

ballet leads to taco truck

2009-03-07T00:52:00.005-05:00

first of all, i am taking ballet class. i really like it even though i am completely uncoordinated. it's nice feeling pretty and listening to a guy play piano while you try to act light.

anyfuck, i was walking home with 5 bucks in my pocket and spotted the taco truck. i've seen it a few times before, but since i didn't have dinner plans (lame) i thought i'd give it a try.

really sweet mexican guys working in there. they have a great menu...super cheap. i wanted a taco and a chicken tamale, but they were out of tamales. so i got two bistec tacos. perfect. cilantro onions lime in corn tortilla. only 2 pieces of meat had to be spit out. it's cool.

apparently they are there everynight at the basketball courts on west 3rd and 6th.

all that's left of my relationship, sniffle

2009-03-05T11:56:00.002-05:00

it doesn't stop, yo.

2009-03-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

this bitch said he loved me.

booyah!

i'm famous again!

2009-03-04T18:19:00.003-05:00

gothamist used my post as a link in a peter luger post!

click here

now click on "backlash" link. awesome!

2009-03-04T16:51:00.004-05:00

my friend dragged me to brooklyn. sure there are tons of hot guys there, but my friend is a guy. and everyone assumes we are a couple when we go out. so i get NO love. it's a problem.

went to see grizzly bear play with the brooklyn philharmonic. that was the worst orchestra i have ever heard. like dying cats. but they all looked like they were having fun, so, good for them. speaking of dying cats, grizzly bear wasn't far from it too. the only song i like was the last one they played. it really got to me, it was haunting and beautiful and it made me like the band a little more than hate level.

of course, i youtubed the song and it was originally sung by the crystals in the 60's. viddy this:

i like a girl saying he hit me, not a boy saying he hit me. makes him seem like a fucking pussy.

ANYWAY I DIGRESS.

we walked past this place called the smoke joint. ya, ha. funny. not. but it smelled like bbq so we gave it a shot.

we split an iceberg wedge salad. i had baby back ribs. he had pulled pork. we had beans, fries, sweet tea (for the record, real texans don't put sugar in their tea), and two shots of some crazy delicious small batch bourbon. the ribs' meat fell right off, and was a tiny bit crunchy on the outside. the beans were super sweet, a little too sweet. i put ketchup in them to cut it. the fries were really good. i didn't try the pulled pork. the iceberg was ok, rusty knot's is better. the peeps next to us had spicy chicken wings and those looked good too.

the prices were very very reasonable. the service was stellar. in fact i had a little lesbian crush on the waitress. it's probably cause she smiled at me more than any man has in years. and to my surprise, when i went to their website, a HUGE picture of her smiling at me popped up! how adorable.

i recommend.

smoke joint

menu

le bruise game

2009-02-23T01:34:00.005-05:00

sometimes you just want to play that game where you and your friend punch each other in the arm over and over again to see who can develop the biggest bruise.

well, i played this with my friend and his girlfriend. after a couple rounds of pimm's. but she drank scotch. so i think i wanted to prove that i am tougher, even though she drinks a boy drink.

the first morning i couldn't move my arm and it was totally swollen, but no color.

5 days later, still barely blue. or green. barely evidence that i endured a serious beating.

did i mention that this contest was on valentine's day eve? prolly why i wanted a beating. wanted to have physical pain distract me from the emotional pain. ugh.

minca

2009-02-23T01:18:00.003-05:00

minca is a ramen place on 5th and whatever the avenue is that turns into clinton street after houston.

i had the spicy veggie ramen. adan had the pork ramen. both were really good. a little more complex and homey broth than ipudo, the other ramen place on university and, like 8th or 9th street.

here are some pics. oh, cash only and little and cokes come in bottles. it's good, i would go again, for sure.

soho massage

2009-02-19T00:12:00.006-05:00

maria told me about this place and i figured if she went there then i could.

it's called sunshine bodyworks. it smells like feet but it's only $58 for someone to rub you for an hour. here are some pics:

a price list

cleanish table

this paper towel can protect your face for a massage or your ass on an airplane toilet

i'm not quite sure what these two lubricants were for. i'm pretty sure they just used oil on me.

they take cc's. tip in cash, though. they are super nice. definitely not licensed massage therapists, but you know. plus you can get a punch card for a free massage after 10 visits. like a game! and you're for sure a winner!

it's on houston and macdougal-ish. north side of h.

funny

2009-02-16T23:41:00.001-05:00

from a post on facebook. my god. for reelz.

confirm or ignore.

cibao, papi

2009-02-16T17:14:00.003-05:00

clinton and rivington.

been going to this place for a couple years. dominican. their decor was way more awesome before they added an online jukebox and home-depot-venetian-glass pendant lights. still, though, the table cloths are plastic, the waitresses don't speak english, and they still have to buzz you into the toilet.

denise and i went. we got a coors light (that was me), arroz con pollo, frijoles, tostones, and pepsi. it came to $17. the chicken in the rice is still on the bone and so tender and good. pieces of cilantro in every bite.

this place is a sure thing.

2009-02-15T03:07:00.002-05:00

i got more attention wearing this shirt than if i didn't wear pants.

SUCK IT

2009-02-13T14:06:00.003-05:00

to all my dear, dear ex boyfriends and future ex boyfriends: you ass holes.

again? already?

2009-02-13T13:23:00.003-05:00

i have this uncanny ability to break up with boys right before valentine's day. once, ONCE in my life have i had an actual real valentine. and, actually, it wasn't that great. but it's way fucking better than watching zales and hallmark commercials stoned in bed wondering how...how can this happen AGAIN?

it's only 1:25pm. T-minus 10 hours and 30 seconds to vday. and i'm already sick to my stomach. my eyes burn from fighting back tears. i can't decide what kind of drunk i want to be for the next 36 hours. whisky and fight? gin and fight? tequila and laugh and fight? red wine and cry and puke? white wine and laugh and puke? oh, the glorious choices!

this one drunken night my friend an i tried to convince a douche in steve madden shoes that i was a porn star. he asked me if i do DVDA. i was like, "i don't have dvd's out yet. i'm just online." HAHAHA! he caught on to me after that.

2009-02-12T10:29:00.002-05:00

i found my id.

neil, can house of kolor that's not racist be used on furniture? if so, shoot me an email at soholunch@gmail.com

thankkks.

hilarious

2009-02-11T12:08:00.002-05:00

my friend sent me this link

THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT DOT COM

rusty knot

2009-02-11T00:31:00.008-05:00

this place could have gone wrong in SO many ways. her are the near misses.

bad lighting was missed by a hair. one iota darker would be gay.
forceful dive bar ambience just missed by the attractive toilets and attention to detail in decor.
badly ironic canned beer selection missed because (thank god) no pabst. blue ribbon.
tattooed hipster staff missed by their surprising, and this may be stretching it, friendliness.
fair ground type menu missed by having edible choices that won't produce coronary issues.

some sure misses are the vintage holiday decorations (predictable), and well, that's all i can think of right now.

it's owned by the dude who owns freemans and he is SO SO NICE. seriously. i was scared of him the first time i was introduced. felt like he was eyeing my style and i instantly felt like i coulda been dressed head to toe in tory burch considering my lack of style. i wasn't, but uggs and hoodies aren't much better. n e who, he is cool so i respect.

i was dying for a lettuce wedge salad, which is why we went. i got one. and a pulled pork sandwich. the lettuce wedge was great, i mean you can't go wrong with a fucking WEDGE OF LETTUCE and dressing on it. they put some bacon and cherry tomatoes which wasn't necessary but i ate it all anyway. it was so refreshing and delicious.

the pulled pork i got because the only other entree option was some turkey/stuffing/cranberry sauce gross me out sandwich. i mean, i'm sure it's great, but no thanks. this was one of the only pulled pork sandwiches i've had that didn't taste "off." i don't know what it is about P.P.S.'s (that's like rachel ray saying E.V.O.O. except it's P.P.S) but they always taste off. maybe because it's just boiled pork. boiled meat. boiled flesh. you see where i'm going with this. but i like it. i would totally go again. it's served on a hamburger bun which makes it a little less intimidating.

got warm chocolate chip cookies. we kept wondering what was taking so long but when they came out super hot and chewy we realized they just cooked them! amazing! (no pic). i still think nestle tollhouse cookies are the best around.

just got home and took a reglan for my acid reflux. oofah.

all in all i have always liked this place, the food is great and the place is great and the drinks are great. the only not-great part is the people who have to wait outside on the busy nights. oh. and bring your ID. ?.

speaking of ID's. i lost mine again. that's 3 in about 5 months. had to talk my way in, which was flattering since i'm over 30. but since fucks kept getting away with charging shit at children's world and the dollar store, i wrote a note on my card. clearly no one takes notice...

omg

2009-02-09T22:12:00.002-05:00

crazy. i can't believe you guys still read this, albeit the same people.

lunch has sucked. too boring to talk about. life hasn't changed much either. total state of arrest. been smoking a lot of pot, which is making me dumb.

i have a calendar marking the days til summer.

puff daddy is on CSI Miami right now.

I want to pierce something. any ideas? maybe a tattoo. or die my hair. i'm feeling really destructive.

i'll try to find some pictures cause words get boring. tomorrow.

tata

2009-02-09T01:03:00.001-05:00

anyone out\
there?

forever

2009-01-07T00:02:00.002-05:00

is it just me or was that the longest holiday season ever? i watched a whole lot of tv and may have escaped developing bed sores by a very narrow margin.

i lost my wallet for the second time in 2 months. the first time was in virginia and the person charged $200 at the family dollar store. yah. that's a lot of crap.

the second time the person only got away with an extra value meal at mcdonalds before i cancelled the card. but he has my martin margiela wallet. that fuck.

got drunk. got stoned. but boy was i glad to get back to work. i've been to college already and that sort of life isn't good to repeat. i def put on another freshman 15.

what if

2008-12-22T23:38:00.004-05:00

what if the guy that made eyes at me as we walked passed each other to my house, the guy who looked back as i was unlocking my front door. what if he waited to see which windows lit up, then looked passed the vestibule glass doors to try to work out the apartment numbering system based on the one or two he could see. then hand wrote me a letter saying he "just had to contact" the magical girl from that cold, cold night.

and then we went out and got married and had babies.

and this, my friends, is the fantasy world i live in.

besides, he probably couldn't fix things with his bare bear hands. which is way hotter than romance.

tonight i went to supper on east 2nd with some friends. that place is ALWAYS good. that fancy mozarella, can't remember what it's called. very creamy. so good. mushroom crostini, tasted like meat! so good. i had tagliatelli with bolognese. other people had other stuff. honestly, never disappointed there.

no dessert, people had to pack for plane trips home tomorrow.

i stole 2 of these pics from the interweb.

tortilla flats

2008-12-09T22:46:00.004-05:00

every time i go to this place (3 times over the past 7 years) i leave wanting to stick my finger down my throat.

IT'S DISGUSTING. plus, do you know how much they charge for a pitcher of patron margaritas? $70.

do you know how much ONE patron margarita costs? $16.

this is supposed to be chile con queso. it's like garbage.

canned food is better. i swear.

don't go. just, just don't go.

HIIIIII!!!!!

2008-12-08T23:13:00.006-05:00

hi guys. i love you. no really, i do.

just got back from a glass of wine with my friend duh-nise. at the bowery hotel. saw my ex (who owns the fucking place) and tried to sneak around the back way to go potty without him seeing. but then the douche in tight pants and a tie told me the restrooms were the other way. i was like, i know but i'm trying to avoid my ex (who owns the fucking place...your boss). he said the secret way was locked.

so i walked past sean in my fat jeans and uggs and a turtle neck that was a little too short from dry cleaning too many times so my muffin tops were peeking out. greasy hair, no makeup, and unruly eyebrows.

but whatevs. it's not like i care what HE thinks, it's just that as a rule one should always make every guy she's ever dated think they lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

i wonder if there is one guy i dated that even does...oh well.

i looked even worse than this:

i should always look more like this:

no no no wait. this:

rhong-tiam

2008-10-16T23:09:00.005-04:00

it's funny cause when i first went there with my friends maria and anita, we had the wrong reservation time. get it? rhong-tiam? we thought it was funny. but not as funny as the ass-on-fire the next day.

the food is soooo good there and sooooo spicy.

tonight i ordered in thinking i'd have a snack and then go out with my buddies. well, i never made it past snacking. big surprise. gotta start hittin the weed again. it helps me go out because i forget that i ever considered staying in and watching family guy.

here i am not getting ready to do anything. because, um, i'm saving up for the weekend, um, like for my birthday. no really.

they have a good ordering system. you give your phone number and all your info pops up for them. i had vegetarian pad see ew. no ew in this dish. it was mmm, mmm, good. clean veggies, thin flat noodles--a nice change from the usually thicker doughy flat noodles at the other (lemongrass, spice) thai restaurants. i got banana (thinking of gwen stefani now, can't help it) sticky rice. looked like a dick, but i ate it. or should. i say, SO i ate it. hardy, har, har. speaking of richard, there's a lot of hot richard at the ear inn, pretty regularly. i'm just sayin....

rhong-tiam is on la guardia. bet 20% of you have no idea where that is.

i made it to 4:13pm

2008-10-09T16:12:00.002-04:00

sinner

2008-10-09T15:26:00.004-04:00

i popped out of a jewish womb, which makes me jewish. and that annoys the shit out of my orthodox cousin who had to actually convert to become a VIP member. especially since i eat cheeseburgers, bacon, shrimp, mussels, oysters, have tattoos, take it up the ass, and keep a crucifix next to my bed. i'll always get to be a jew no matter how much i fuck it up.

anywho. unless you live under a rock or in arkansas, you would know that today is that day that we fast. we fast because the pain from the hunger is meant to remind you of the pain of your sins. i totally made that up. i have no idea why we fast.

i don't really do it cause i'm religious (see 1st paragraph), i try to do it cause i am superstitious and fear my other family members who are might die or something if i don't.

i make up my own rules though. like today i am drinking (very milky with lots of sugar) coffee. what. it's still hard, dude. even with the calcium and calories. i almost fell off my chair a few minutes ago.

can't wait to eat pork ribs and a milkshake at sundown. booyah.

before:

after:

pinche taco goes down

2008-10-09T15:17:00.002-04:00

sad sad news. pinche taco is now worse than fresco tortilla taco. yes-i said it.

i ordered a taco salad. it sounded good; lettuce, tomato, beans, sour cream, guacamole, cilantro (hold the cheese). all things i like. i went ahead and ordered the carne asada on it for some protein.

1) no cilatro on it
2) the delivery forgot one whole order
3) the side of jalapenos i ordered never came
and most imortant
4) the meat tasted like rotten feet.

it was inedible. i had two other people try it and they both agreed. IN. EDIBLE.

see, they opened another branch right by my work. they got greedy. and now, instead of one good pinche taco, there are two bad pinche tacos.

blech.

2008-10-07T14:58:00.000-04:00

it's so cold in my office i had to eat my delivery in my coat and wrapped in a blanket. east village thai delivery. pad thai good, sweet like candy. chicken satay ok, a little tough and too much curry taste.

that's it.

sorry

2008-10-06T14:44:00.002-04:00

i had to delete those last two posts. i hate politics and me talking about how much i hate politics only makes it worse.

i still resent being called dumb, though.

chips

2008-09-18T20:07:00.001-04:00

you know that times where you are standing in front of a soda vending machine and you just WISH it served hot french fried instead?

well, such a thing exists. i swear.

foreign land and bike line violators

2008-09-16T00:59:00.004-04:00

hi my babies. i am leaving for a long time. 12 days. just about 10 days longer than i'd like to leave my doggie and my job and my friends. just about negative 15 days longer than i'd like to have to eat at another restaurant in soho. i am going to do some fun international posts. you'll feel cultured.

but lets be real. you guys don't really care about my food. or where to eat. wait, maybe you do.

but i personally like to get personal. like, tell stories. like, how the other day i had to maneuver (woah, i spelled that right without spell check) around a parked TRAFFIC COP van in the fucking bike lane. what the fuck? lead by example, much? he should have been ashamed because it was one of those new bike lanes painted green; as in, "hello you fucker, the measly 2 foot wide lane is painted green so that people like you blocking us should feel humiliated for doing so."

kinda a situation like this, from an image i found on google. clearly a rampant problem:

so as i pass the rolled down passenger window, i flick him off so hard that my sinewy scrawny arm muscles gain perfect definition and i yell "you're in the fucking bike lane, you ass hole!!!"

then i peddle as fast as my little legs can carry me on my DK fury, riding it like a hood rat--frame moving side to side and side to side to help me gain speed. prada bag perched firmly on my shoulder.

that fucker couldn't catch me though. he hit a red light while i sailed through...

bikes are the ONLY way to get around town.

(mine, except i have custom orange handle bars and no logo stickers. just graffiti.)

in fracais. mes amis.

2008-09-11T20:26:00.002-04:00

a quote

2008-09-11T20:21:00.003-04:00

a quote from "barton fink"

yeaaahhh, ladies do ask for attention. in my experience they pretend to give it but its generally a smokescreen for demanding it back with interest

yup. you said it.

barbossa

2008-09-04T23:36:00.011-04:00

bossa, as in bossa nova. as in brazilian. i think. ya, must be cause they serve brahma. or however you spell it.

assistant and i went there for lunch. so nice, sat by the windows and it felt like a real new york city moment.

which got more real...and fast. but first the food.

brett ashley (two names) ordered the curry mango chicken. i was weary since it was hot outside, but ok. i got the lentils, rice, and lamb merguez with a yogurt sauce. both were insanely good.

hers wasnt too rich or thick. it was a light yellow curry and the chicken wasn't gross. plus the mango didn't overpower anything.

the sausage was amazing (if i had a nickel for every time i said that...). the lentils/rice were a bit soupy, but i got used to it after a few bites and actually liked that it wasn't dense.

we had to have a cappuccino afterwards, which tasted like CANDY it was so good, to finish watching the new york city drama unfold in front of us.

this guy

likes his tan. i first saw him last summer on prince and mulberry. it was the first time i saw a fire hydrant open. and there was this old man with his beach chair on the sidewalk with a a newspaper acting like he could have been at far rockaway or st. barts. either.

this same guy was about to set up camp at the hydrant in front of us. just as he places his green and yellow striped beach chair at the bumper of a chevy, in backs a range rover sport into the no parking zone in front of his oncoming temporary waterfall. THE GUY WAS PISSED. he spent at least 21 minutes on his cell phone (shirtless), pacing around the car, talking to the police department about an illegally parked vehical... i've been on the phone for 19 minutes--whaddya want? my fingerprints? my DNA? i'm calling about a fuckin cah, heyah.

so along walks a (super hot) FDNY guy. yielding a wrench so huge i would be turned on if he threatened to fix my leak. (gross). he not only opens the hydrant for this guy, but replaces a cap with the man's custom made cap with strategically placed holes so that a perfect spray hits just nearly have the street, with a smaller stream that flows into a doggie water bowl-which he provided. so not only does he do that, he also points the stream to hit the driver's side door of the range rover. everyone clapped! it was awesome.

of course when the douche returned to his black car, he and his goombah girlfriend just climed in the passenger side door. but come, they must have been just a little embarrassed.

barbossa is on mott btween prince and houston. they take cards.

little helpers

2008-09-03T13:52:00.005-04:00

so cute. these little girls had a lemonade stand and bake sale, i guess as an exercise on how to embezzle money from charitable donations.

i kid, i kid. they were selling treats and then asked you which charity you would like your money to go to.
every fucking liberal fuck donated their money to obama for president...leaving the puppies and sick cancer kids in the lurch. not that liberals are fucks, just these ones. it's 3 quarters. can't you make a gesture towards something apolitical?

i gave to the sick cancer kids. my 75c will do great things. great things, i tell you.

the cookie was pretty good.

hoomoos asli

2008-09-02T16:54:00.008-04:00

this israeli joint is on kenmare and lafayette(ish). i ate lunch with poo. poo is a friend of mine. both kinds.

despite the rings and long hair he ain't gay. he does things like ask you to kiss his cheek then turns at the last minute to catch your lips. or puts his hand under your butt when you sit down.

i love him.

we met at this place mostly out of laziness and and uninspiring group of restaurants left to blog about in soho.

i ordered the salad combo. you can choose three salads from a list of around 8. i got humus, israeli salad, and spicy moroccan tomato salad.

gross

gross

good.

the humus tasted like mud. zero zest whatsoever. the israeli salad tasted like bland cucumber. i tried adding salt but it didn't help. the spicy tomato one was good, but not good enough to make up for the other two. it was supposed to come with 3 pitas (as written on the menu) but i only got one.

the iced tea was excellent. i especially like the tumbler it came in with big ice cubes. like something in my childhood suburban kitchen.

poo poo had a chicken sandwich (schwarma) in a pita. with french fries stuffed in. the fries were good. thick homemade ones. not like the frozen ones all over town.

they take amex, but who cares. i won't go back. if you want good israeli, go to 12 chairs on sullivan. if you want good falafel, go to rainbow falafel on 18th and broadway or chickpea on 3rd ave and st. marks.

as we got up to leave, poo put on his sunglasses. woah, woah, woah, woah. oh. my. god. there are only a few men besides my father that can pull off blue blockers. and poo is for sure one of them.

i like to kiss poo.

prince street cafe

2008-08-26T15:18:00.006-04:00

there are 3 restaurants in a row on prince that i have wanted to try. we sat down at jaques but were the only americans. since we didn't have a map and a camera or felt the need to order coke without ice, we hit the next one. looked a little sterile, so we kept going to prince street cafe.

we couldn't quite put our finger on the ambiance there. the decor was a bit late 90's, the menu was extensive, and the bathroom was out of toilet paper.

we each ordered the half soup/sandwich special. i the split pea and ham sandwich, she the butternut squash and smoked turkey.

the soup was really salty. and she got more in her bowl than i, so that was bothersome. the sandwiches were just...so...like, nothing. they weren't bad, they weren't good.

all in all, we won't go back. let's put it that way.

then a stroll in the beautiful weather and a latte at cafe gitan from the to go window.

this weather is unbelievable.

OMG i'm FAMOUS

2008-08-25T15:28:00.001-04:00

the new york times used MY BLOG in the link to rockaway taco in a piece on david selig.

CLICK HERE

now, look for the "rockaway taco." then there i am!

awesome!

cafe colonial again

2008-08-25T14:22:00.005-04:00

today is a great day, because after an hour or so of being a sourpuss, i ran into someone that is a sweetheart and made me smile again.

cafe colonial is fucking bullshit. we ordered that brazilian cheese bread and asked it to come first, they never came. we ordered 2 plates of brazilian beans. only one arrived. we ordered sweet potato fries, and instead came yucca fries. we told him that we didn't order that, that we ordered sweet potato fries. he said these were like sweet potato fries, cause yucca's are sweet.

floored, we proceeded to ARGUE with him that yuccas are not sweet potato fries. that sweet potatoes were orange. he insisted these were a close cousin.

are you fucking joking? if you ordered lamb chops and i brought you pork chops, i would never try to convince you that they were the same thing.

re.tard. re. tard. ed.

of course tod left him a 15% tip. i would have dashed on that shit.

poems

2008-08-20T18:39:00.000-04:00

here are some poems i wrote once. don't laugh. i was stoned on ambien. years ago.

"still is only the love i one, maybe never but always anyway."

eh? ehhh? good right? ha.

"so all we have is now and later is not yet, but thoughts of later are now so we have that."

oh yeah, that's a winner.

great jones spa

2008-08-20T15:07:00.003-04:00

my partner is hung over so all my dreams of vietnamese noodles went out the window.

went to great jones spa to their little health food place for a sandwich. they are so painfully slow. to manage the wait while they prepared my sammy i sat out on the curb in the sun. after what i considered ample time, i went in only to find they hadn't even started preparing it.

i ordered a chicken and avocado sandwich which is made of organic roast chicken, avocado, lettuce, sprouts, tomato, and veggieanaise on toasted 7 grain bread.

the chicken comes from a vacuum sealed bag, presliced. gross. so it's all slimy.

they forgot sprouts. the forgot salt and pepper.

the toast part was good.

oh, and they were giving away free green tee. so that made it not so bad.

proof

2008-08-12T17:24:00.004-04:00

p.s. for those of you who don't belie'dat i did the rockaway bikini contest. check it.

matchmaker

2008-08-12T15:47:00.001-04:00

if anyone knows him. i'd like to meet him. please.

i heard he doesn't shower which i think is the hottest thing ever. i love stinky armpits. not joking at all.

bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS...!

2008-08-12T13:59:00.009-04:00

the big reveal...SHORTS!

there he is, folks. and to my friends who were convinced shorts was an alias for my ex...well now you know.

shorts grew up in stuy town. his parents live in his grandparents rent stabilized apartment, which means with annual raises they pay about a $3 month. crazy.

i had to have a glass of wine, just cause i was nervous about pauses in the conversation. chardonnay=lots and lots of verbal diarreah. and yes, i put ice in my white wine. you know why? cause owning your decisions is classy. so fuck it. i've also been known to put ice my beer. and milk. and coke. and water. and underpants.

he is super nice and married (wha wha wha...). we came up with an awesome business plan that will hopefully make him rich.

we went to the new cafeteria on prince street and lafayette called delicatessan. you could tell it was owned by the same guys because it had that clorox smell and horrible n-tsa n-tsa music.

the best thing we ordered was the cheeseburger spring rolls...whaaaat? yup. SO GOOD.

this deep throating phallic food thing, i think i'm getting too old. or it's getting too old. kiss it goodbye.

he got omelet, boring. i got salmon which only confirmed that i absolutely HATE salmon unless it's smoked and on a bagel with cream cheese. i hate salmon. especially this salmon.

we couldn't do dessert cause i am just too blubbery.

so i got a huge oatmeal raisin cookie on the way home, had a bite, then threw it away. hoorah for will power.

all in all it was a good place for what it aims to be. i'm not sure what that is, but whatever it is it is. the menu is neat, the wide open windows are great, blah blah blah.

let's see how cute it is once it's broken in and dirty after winter.

anticipation

2008-08-12T11:54:00.001-04:00

FUCK THAT (insult redacted) AT CAFE COLONIAL

2008-08-11T14:15:00.008-04:00

i go there at least 3 times a month. i never once ordered delivery, in fact i pick it up in person when i want it to go.

today i called for delivery. i said my street name, which is one of those fucking streets in noho that is the same parallel as a numbered street but no one knows where it is.

he said is it near canal?
i said no, it's the same as third street.
he said hold on.
he came back and said it's too far.
i said are you kidding? it's 3 blocks north of you.
he said i'm sorry miss it's too far.
i said come on, i broke my leg and i can't come in please.
he said i'm sorry she said it's too far.
so i said, that fucking bitch and hung up the phone.

then i called back and asked to speak to the owner
(REDACTED BECAUSE SHE GOT BACK TO ME)
he said no because he heard me say a bad word.
i said are you kidding? i know who she is. let me speak to her.
he said no she wasn't there
i said i know she's there she's there everyday (REDACTED)
he said no she's gone for a few weeks.
he said he knows i said a bad word.

so i went on their website and sent them a nasty email.

(REDACTED). the website said it delivers up to 4 blocks north.
i wrote that they shouldn't lie on their website.

anyway. my intern had to stop me from walking over there to raise hell. cause i would. and i still might.

i ordered rice delivery instead.

feel free to send them hate email. (PLEASE DON'T SEND HATE EMAIL, SHE WAS NICE).

UPDATE:

Dear Customer,

I am so sorry for what happenned. It is not easy to find good reliable workers, cafe clonial is going thru a transition of workers and a lot of the new people live in queens or Brooklyn, they may not know Great Jones.
It is also thru we don't have a manager at all times in the place; we operate for 16 hours a day. August is a month that managers and owners goes away since it is the quitest month.

I hope you will feel better and I will try to draw a map to workers with the name of streets, but again a lot of our workers are new; you would be surprise but a lot of people no longer want to work in the restaurant industry or be in the city for that matter ( rents are expensive and cost of living). I am not in the city at the moment, I"ll be back by the end of August and I will address this issue.

Thank you for letting us know

(XXXX)/cafe colonial

i flakedd

2008-08-07T12:41:00.003-04:00

shorts, as i write this i am still drunk on frozen pina coladas with floaters and sinkers from last night. i entered the bikini contest at connellys in rockaway last night. makes perfect sense for a 30 year old who doesn't excersice (i tried to speel that 3 ways and couldnt get it right). i talked a big talk about it for weeks, so i had to follow through. i just had to.

apparently i got disqualified but won the popular vote. so like al gore i won but i didn't really win.

did i mention i am still drunk?

not done

2008-08-04T21:07:00.000-04:00

i swear i'm still here. just been distracted.

shorts, it's now or never. for the sake of the blog, you must meet me for lunch. it's just about the only thing inspiring me to keep going.

peter luger

2008-07-24T12:05:00.006-04:00

i intensly dislike this place. i remember not liking it the first time i went, and this last trip confirmed it.

now listen, in my house growing up, we weren't a chicken and rice kind of family. it was steak. steak, baked potatoes, and baked beans. that was our dinner 3 out of 5 weeknights. i ate the fat. i chewed on the bones. from the time i was a baby. i didn't have a pacifier, i had a t-bone.

so i'd like to say i know a thing or two about meat.

peter luger's meat is not cooked deliciously. the reason they push their sauce is cause it masks how unflavored their meat it. sure. put ketchup on anything and it tastes better. same there.

beefsteak tomatoes? boring. beefsteak tomatoes with sauce? yum!

semi stale dinner rolls? fuck that--stale. they were hard as rocks. boring. semi stale dinner rolls with sauce? yum!

completely raw-cold inside cow? boring. you get the point.

the kicker is that when they give you your leftovers, they won't let you pour any leftover sauce on it. don't fuck with me. i just spent $180 on your crappy stale rolls, limp canned spinach, and cow, and you want me to BUY a bottle of your glorified cocktail sauce. bite me.

plus that new extension they put on the place is straight outta home depot. and when i am paying $84 for a slice of bovine flesh, i'd like to see real wood panelling, not particle board. they don't take credit cards either, unless it's a "peter luger" credit card. puh-lease. ya, then go to the only ATM machine on the block where the surcharge is $3.99.

anyone who says peter luger is the best steak in the city is full of shit. full stop. my dog liked it though.

now, i hope the mobsters that run that joint don't come looking for me.

peter luger

2008-07-24T12:05:00.001-04:00

soooo bored

2008-07-23T15:42:00.002-04:00

so bored with lunch. so fucking bored. i need new lunch friends.

maybe it's just PMS. whatever it is, it's compounded with PMS so uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr.

you men have absolutely no idea. fatigue, cravings, cramps, anger. it's just punishment. all that for at least 4 days and then another four of blood. bloody mess. like, if you cough, you bleed. if you sneeze, you bleed. if you wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, major bleed cause it's been collecting and pooling in your uterus while you were lying down.

then you shove bleached, compressed cotton inside your body. INSIDE. and it just sits there. for hours.

the whole thing is just disgusting.

gotta medicate. pot cookies anyone?

secret

2008-07-21T14:45:00.000-04:00

i ate lunch. but i'm keeping it a secret.

holga

2008-07-18T14:01:00.003-04:00

i am skipping lunch because i shimbo got me a holga camera!

it's so simple that it is impossible to figure out, and studying it i cutting into my eating time.

lure

2008-07-16T17:58:00.009-04:00

i know this place has been here for years, but i never went.

cause, well, i just figured it would be horrible like any other themed restaurant, or any other restaurant in soho.

but i heard good things, and when my friend shimbo told me he was paying for lunch, i thought i'd give it a whirl.

went to the gym again...dayamn look at those gams!

but not wanting to eat bad after doing good, i knew i was gonna have to forego the #1 burger in manhattan (according to some poll).

i felt like i was in my dad's sailboat but this place was much nicer. and bigger. and there were waiters to serve you fancy things, and the toilets flushed without a bilge pump. it's amazing what a good job they did, though.

even the floors look like a ship deck. poop deck. ha. poop.

here is shimbo. i'm kinda sad i didn't get a shot of his face cause he is a very attractive guy. i mean, come on...check out that hair! ladies, shimbo is single and wildly successful. like mogul successful; but he comes from west virginia so a nice well rounded package.

we had yellowtail and salmon sashimi and their house roll: lobster tempura and spicy tuna on top (i think). the roll was good, and the salmon was incredible. clean and soft and just melted in your mouth.

i had a tuna burger (not the famous beef one, the healthier tuna one) and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD was it good. i mean AMAZINGLY GOOD. the bun was sweet, like challah kind of, there was a mound of dark green, not wet lettuce, and layers of deep red tomatoes, and some wasabi mayonnaise stuff. i mean, i can't even explain how good.

the lemonade came with fresh muddled mint and they kept refilling my iced tea.

shimbo and i had a great time and the place is awesome. i want to go to the bar for cocktails tonight. anyone interested?

thank you jive ass turkey

2008-07-16T16:45:00.002-04:00

a commenter gave me the greatest gift today. my blog in jive. HILARIOUS.

sohizzle fo'shizzle

starbucks cleanse

2008-07-15T13:56:00.002-04:00

i went to the gym again (yay!) and i don't want to undo the good i did. so i am fasting. cleansing. my own version. fuck lemon juice and cayenne pepper (although, that really sounds delicious and i'm being sincere).

i am on a starbucks iced coffee liquid diet. for the moment. for today. for lunch. ok fine, until i feel weak and need to eat chipotle for energy.

grrr....!

scott's lobster dock

2008-07-14T15:54:00.009-04:00

now listen, i don't wanna fucking hear it. i went to new london to hang out with my ex and my ex kid and his fam and i had a great time. don't email me about it, don't call me about it, don't even look at me.

continue...

boy do i love new london. it's the exact opposite of manhattan. small buildings, empty streets, fat people, everyone's got kids and they're younger than me, big shiny new plastic cars, ice cream trucks that aren't mr. softee, seagulls, new england accents, smiles, motorcyclists on hogs with no helmets, i just LOVE it.

i've spent enough time there that i feel like it's one of my homes. i know exactly how many miles it takes to get there, and how long i'll be in the car, and which mcdonalds service station to stop off at if i need to, and my way around town. i even know shortcuts.

here is the beach. it's private. you have to belong to a coop to sit on it, hence it's perfectly clean sand. it's like the land that time forgot.

there are two places to eat. muddy waters for breakfast and lunch on bank street. and then there's scott's lobster dock.

normally we get 3 things: hot lobster roll, cold lobster roll, and boiled potatoes for the child. (it's not as punishment, he is a very picky vegetarian).

but as i was waiting in line, i keep eyeing things other people are picking up from the window. so, since i never know the next time i'll talk to my host family again will be, i decide to order everything i want. just in case.

don't you look at me that way, i'm doing it.

and they take amex!

oh, no.

oh, no. i think i forgot something, something good.

perfect.

inside the belly of the beast.

oh, yes. oh. yes.

we did a little damage. my fingers still smell like crab.

hoorah for NL!

hoorah for candice!

bloody thighs

2008-07-14T11:22:00.004-04:00

today i was riding on a wet bicycle seat. sounds hot right? not really. not when your wearing a dress and your ass is wet and your thighs are chafing with every push of the peddle.

why does this matter, you ask? isn't this bolg about stories revolving around food, you wonder? well, hold up. here's why it's significant.

i walk dowstairs to get a cup of strong, steaming hot coffee from the little food-shop-in-a-spa downstairs. the sign said closed, but the operating hours are 9:30am to 7pm. it was now 10:20am. this would normally piss my off, but now i was pissed and panicky cause it meant walking all the way to the end of the block, and halfway down another to the deli for weak, luke warm coffee. and every step i took burned. i needed vaseline like a marathon runner.

so now i sit, with my legs spread, drinking room temp sour coffee, cursing irresponsible cafes. that's all.

some notes on the drawing:

this could either be a 12 year old with green pubes and her first period.
or
me with a wishful thinking hip measurement and an ouchie.

chili as a reward

2008-07-11T12:48:00.003-04:00

i went to the gym today. that's two days in a row and 3 days this week.

so i deserved chili from jone's. with cheese. and sour cream. and a coke. (oh boy, i am really bad at this). they were really excited to see me.

who reads this thing?

2008-07-10T18:52:00.002-04:00

following is copied from the comments on my fresco taco post. hilarious.

dr. taco said...
The NY/NJ triads take their cut straight off the top. There is no quality control. Dogs, cats, rats and whatever else happens to be around will wind up in your taco, not to mention the fact that those places take USDA grade c and below meat (usda rankings a joke anyway, they riot about our beef imports in other countries) but since I see on your blog that you eat mcdonalds I understand why my friendly exhortation would fall onto deaf ears. Can I get my taco with a side of hormones? Thanks.

Dr. Taco

7/10/08 6:21 PM

concerned citizen said...
Don't trust this Dr. Taco. He's not even a doctor. He hardly made it through Taco undergrad.

gym stalker

2008-07-10T12:28:00.004-04:00

ugh, my friend sent me this picture this morning.

that was me a few weeks after my first divorce. that long hair! that skinny face! i was wearing high heels! i've really let myself go. i gotta realize i can't eat chinese mexican food and ever look that good again.

now i'm gonna go to the gym to actually work out, not just to stalk my hot ex. yep. gotta get hot to find ex husband number two.

meeting howard for lunch today at the spotted pig. oh, brother. gonna be tough to stay away from that burger. and that chopped liver on toast, mmmm...

wow that was a long break

2008-07-09T14:24:00.003-04:00

fresh tortillas
fresco taco
fresco tortilla tacos

any variation, it's all the same. i was really upset when i first moved to nyc and ate at one of these places. but over the years, i've come to accept that it's not mexican food and i shouldn't hold it up to those standards. it's in a class of its own, and it's not that bad.

i am cashless, so i had to order 10 bucks worth of food for credit card usage, which is hard when the most expensive thing i ordered was 3.25.

1 black bean soft taco (black beans on a tortilla)
1 black bean hard taco (black beans, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, lettuce in a crispy taco shell)
1 fajita steak guacamole (sliced steak, onions, some avocado saucey stuff on a tortilla)
1 fajita steak nachos (didn't even open the box, so i don't know)
1 root beer.
$11

so good. really, it is so good. except i gave the steak stuff to my dog. she seemed to like it.

jerk

2008-07-01T15:37:00.004-04:00

lunch was jerky. and lots of erasure sing a longs.

anyone want to eat with me tomorrow?

x

rockaway taco

2008-06-30T12:27:00.007-04:00

so this guy who was born in new york, but then moved to toronto, then lived in puerto vallarta for 3.5 years opened up a taco stand in rockaway on 96th street.

the menu looked good. it was supposed to open at noon, but at 12:30 he said to come back in ten minutes to order. so we came back in ten minutes, ordered, and then waited 45 minutes for our tacos.

i normally wouldn't care cause it was a beach day, but i missed out on an hour and a half of perfect suntanning. although, anything is better than a fucking slice of pizza or mexican/chinese food (you know the places i'm talking about: quesadillas or stir fry, same kitchen).

in any case. we had tofu tacos, fish tacos (beer battered talapia), and chorizo tacos. i ordered chips and guacamole and he actually cut up corn tortillas and fried them. i watched him make the guacamole himself. pretty impressive. it was cheap and good and made you forget about the projects behind you.

there can never be enough pictures of hot rob. come pose for a picture rob, no a little closer. closer. damnit rob, touch my shoulder with your rock hard abs! thaaat's nice.

what if i was a gossip blog

2008-06-29T00:42:00.002-04:00

i saw kate hudson at cafe henri. with an assistant who was more like a baby sitter. little ryder was so fucking cute eating his scrambled wggs while his "mother" sat there texting for at least 1/2 an hour straight. fucking cunt. i'm sure she doesnt see her little boy that often and the assistant said more to him than she did. plus she wore her glasses the whole time.

i lost all respect for her that day. if i had a boy as cute as ryder, i wouldn't be able to take my eyes off him.

so sad.